


#30

by Schweet



Series: What Would I Even Tell Her [30]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Moving On, Poetry, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25716856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet
Series: What Would I Even Tell Her [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605673





	#30

Hello Elizabeth

I don’t know if I will ever tell you where my heart has been these past few months

Will I ever tell you about the fantastic girl who never knew just how much she was loved?

Will I ever tell you about how she helped me understand the colours soaked into my skin?

Will I ever tell you that that girl was you?

I believe you deserve to know

I believe it could push you further away

I believe you will take it in stride

I believe it will make you uncomfortable to share a midnight room with me

If I ever do tell you, maybe this is what I would say

The first thing you need to know is that you always came first

In the thoughts and hopes and dreams that swam through my head, you were always at the center

Not because you were a supernova that pulled me in

Not because your gravitational pull lassoed my scrap metal spaceship and swung me closer like a mime on the streets you strolled last Fall

But because I always put you first

The day I realized how I loved you

I was physically sick because I knew it was wrong to think of you as anything but my sister first

And I knew I would never be anything other than your sister first

And your friendship, our bond as sisters, is worth more to me than a fanciful 2 am hope of more

The week I realized how I loved you

I sobbed as I wrote how I would walk you down the fucking aisle before I would place my lavender fingerprints upon anything but your extended hand

I respect you far too much to let myself think of you in anyway other than ways I could feel comfortable telling my mother

I suppose that’s part of why I have had so much trouble with this

From the moment I realized how I loved you I restricted my heart and mind from anything other than thoughts of early mornings around a breakfast table as we sip our coffee in the soft sunshine with hands entwined

Or thoughts of bringing you to Christmas at Mama’s house

Or my head upon your shoulder

Or walking through a park with Beans and Bear

Or your heart beating for me the way mine has beat for you

Two am thoughts and actions are normal for kids

- _ or adults I suppose _ -

Our age

And I guess it would be normal for those 2 am actions to be connected to you

But I never let my two am thoughts be of you

That is a line I respect you far too much to ever even dream of crossing

I don’t like secrets

I may often be motivated by self-preservation

I may often lie to save face

Or to shift blame

- _ like blaming farts on the poor dog _ -

But I truly do struggle to keep my own truths hidden

Fuck, I came out to my mother less than four months after I realized I was bisexual

I didn’t even realize I had come out to you until I was re-reading our messages a few days later

I let my mother pressure me into coming out to Cristin and Daddy before I was ready

I honestly have no idea whether telling you

Or forgetting completely

Would be better for you

No one knows better than I that some truths are better left unseen

So maybe I will never tell you

But if I ever did

Maybe this would be what I said


End file.
